别担心，Valve：我已为 Deadlock 整理好下一批角色概念

Deadlock is one of the most delightful things happening in videogame art direction. It's a festival of phenomenal vibes: a striking setting, an all-timer aesthetic that bleeds into every scrap of environmental art and UI element, and—crucially—a roster of instantly charming occult character designs.

That roster, however, is missing something—a few somethings, in fact. While Deadlock's heroes cover a broad spectrum of the spooky and supernatural, it's got some glaring gaps where foundational elements of cryptozoology and occult lore are sorely overlooked. But don't fret, Valve designers: I've done your next round of ideation for you. I've prepared some promising character concepts that, I think we'll all agree, will realize the Cursed Apple's untapped potential. Let's begin:

The Summer Mummy (from Heathcliff)

Deadlock's already got draculas. It's got werewolves. It's got a Frankenstein. When you're already this deep in monster mash territory, a mummy's a layup. It's Spooky Stuff 101. The problem, however, is that it's not enough to be just a mummy in New York. New York is where they make cool people. If you're going to hang with the Cursed Apple's finest, you're going to need style.

Enter the Summer Mummy, a character first introduced in Heathcliff—the comic strip about the orange cat who isn't Garfield—on August 17, 2023. The Summer Mummy is much like your typical bandaged revenant, except chill and fun. He wears floral boardshorts. He has sunglasses. He eats ice cream (the Summer Mummy gets the sand flavor). He's an instant crowd pleaser, and it's an incredible cross-promotional opportunity. Everyone's trying to tap the lucrative Heathcliff brand.

A minotaur who plays baseball professionally

Just to be clear: No, I didn't come up with this one because "bullpen" is a baseball thing. I just thought a minotaur in an old-timey baseball uniform would look sick. I only realized the bullpen bit afterwards—but as far as I'm concerned, that was me getting a thumbs up from an angel for my very good work.

What was the labyrinth if not the most mythological bullpen of them all? The minotaur might've been warming up his pitching arm down there. Gotta pass the time somehow. Oh! He could throw a curveball that follows a nonsense, labyrinthine path through the air. Call it a Daedalian Knuckleball or something. Give him a bull rush ability called "charge the mound." Stuff writes itself. Put my check in the mail.

The Loch Ness Monster's precocious preteen child

There's a lot to love about this one: First, Nessie is already confirmed Deadlock canon, having arrived on Earth through the Bermuda Triangle astral gate. Second, there's never a bad time for more Scottish accents. Third, they could be buddies with Rem, Deadlock's adorable sleepspace creature.

But what really makes Nessie Jr. (legally, that name might be taken) a winner is the microtransaction potential: Give this kid a character lunchbox, and once Deadlock starts rolling out purchasable skins, people will pay whatever you ask just to see different fictional licensed properties slapped on there. It's infinite money.

Three gnomes in a trench coat

I'll confess: I don't have a lot to flesh this entry out with. Mostly, I just think it would be neat for all of them to have little guns under there. Maybe they're in the mob? A gnome mafia. The Cosa Gnomestra. I don't know. Do your best.

A haunted suit of armor (who is a boxer)

Everyone loves an animated suit of armor. Much like with the Summer Mummy, however, there's some aesthetic work that needs to be done to bring the image in line with Deadlock's aesthetic theme. And much like with the Summer Mummy, I've identified a shorts-centric solution—boxing shorts, in this case. And boxing gloves. A plate armor prize fighter who could play like the third-person MOBA-shooter equivalent of Little Mac.

Now, you might ask, does Deadlock need yet another prize fighter when it already has Lash and Bebop? And to that I'd say: Neither of them has cartoonishly big shorts, do they? It's like you're not even paying attention.

Big spider

There was, admittedly, already an unreleased spider-themed hero during Deadlock's Hero Labs days, but frankly, why half-ass it? Just go full spider. Let it walk on all the surfaces. Give it eight weapons for each of its eight limbs. Is it really a videogame if there isn't a large enemy spider in there somewhere?

Big spider (sexy)

I can't take credit for this one:

Humpty Dumpty

We all know the deal: on wall, great fall, horses and men prove inadequate at reconstructive surgery, etc. But I'm imagining this is the Humpty Dumpty that's had to go on living knowing the world failed him in his darkest moment—a sort of Punished "Venom" Dumpty situation. He's fighting in the Ritual not to restore his own broken form, but to create a world for other shattered eggs like himself. It's the kind of grim antihero that audiences crave.

And he could, like, roll around to attack sometimes, maybe. That's fun.

The rest of the monkey that the Monkey's Paw came off of

That thing had to come from somewhere, right? If the Paw can grant wishes, imagine what all the other parts of the enchanted monkey must be capable of. Surely, it must have been severed from the limb of a sort of simian arch-sorcerer, who possessed a command over magicks so profound as to reconfigure the flow of fate itself.

What I'm saying is he could shoot energy balls from his stump like it was a Mega Man arm cannon and it would rule. And maybe he does street magic in Times Square. For walking around money.

North Pole elf labor rights activist

I think we've all known it for a long time: There's something untoward about the whole Santa Claus operation. We're meant to believe that an entire society is content with knowing no life beyond the ceaseless churn of toy production under the rule of a treat-crazed overlord? Really?

I don't buy it—and that's exactly why there's a hero who's ventured to New York to foster awareness and support for the plight of their fellows still trapped toiling at the Kringle company town up north. They could create a bunch of nutcracker soldiers as their ult, but they'd be nutcracker soldiers of the revolution.

One of the deer from Staten Island, but it was turned into a sapient anthropoid by some sort of cursed amulet and is struggling to adjust to city life on account of antlers making it hard to get into buildings

Label sorta says it all, really.

Bigfoot (he is running for mayor)

It just makes sense. He's a compelling figure. He's all-American. He's privacy conscious and likely has a sensible platform regarding municipal walkability. He's been around long enough that he probably knows a few spells, and he's big enough that he could handle a Lewis gun like an airsoft rifle.

He'd have my vote, is what I'm saying. And the best part is: You'd be able to listen to the other heroes grill Bigfoot about his political stances. That's videogames to me.